As the journey ends...

On the way back, I was trying hard to fight back my tears, but to no avail.
It was uncontrollable.
The thought that life won't be the same after you leave just made me so disoriented and helpless. The lost of a comrade and a confidant whom I run to when I'm undermined.
As I re-read the content of the Thank You card again, I reminded myself that it was a good journey and the lovely memories would last forever.
For the rest of the month, I have decided that it would be a stage of transition. I will learn to be independent again. Only to fall back on the support system when absolutely necessary.
After one last sob, I went to bed, bittersweet yet determined.

However, I got the worst prank ever the next morning, first thing when I stepped into the office, even before my laptop started up.
While starring at the string of messages, the world around me seemed to fall apart. I had difficulty catching my breath and all I could hear was hollowness.
My heart was struggling to pump the blood my brain required and everything around me swirled due to the lack of oxygen.
My fingers started trembling as the numbness spread across my body. I was really traumatized. For a moment, I couldn't decide how i should feel.
"What am I going to do?" that's the question I asked myself endlessly. On the hind sight, I have no idea why did I even think of that.
When the sense of loss crept even deeper, tears started flowing.
That was when i realised....I've lost you....completely.

For the rest of the day, I held on to a body without a soul.
I struggled hard to move along with the world but the effort involved was simply too immense.
Finally when I found my space, I started to put things in perspective.
I was furious. I felt betrayed. I was angry for the fact that the one whom i trusted so much had lied to me.
I began to recall the claims you have made. Claims that were so untrue.
From a carefree man to becoming a husband (or potentially a father??!!) in a span of 2 months? Just too absurd.
Weren't those the exact 2 months when we connected with long chats and endless topics to talk about?
Weren't those the exact 2 months when you were always available when i needed you?
Weren't those the exact 2 months when I was the happiest and felt the most secured since I came to MNL?
Weren't those the exact 2 months when we....grew closer, just as I thought? (but kept in the dark)
So was i living in an illusion all these while? Or i'm simply naive?
I wished i could scream off your head and demand for an answer immediately. 

I wanted to slap myself hard. Why was i so careless to allow my feelings to slip? Didn't I harden my heart (since the last incident) to disallow any chance of feebleness? Didn't I convince myself that I'm worthy to be loved and not the other way round all the time? Didn't i agree to love myself more? Why was I so stupid to fall into a one-sided trap again?
.....I couldn't find the answer to any of my questions.

The truth is that I've grown over-dependent on you and the thought of losing you completely is tearing me apart. period.
The anger or sort was just a form of distraction from the pain. In a way, a defense mechanism to prevent myself from sinking further.
The truth is, you owe me nothing and i have no right to claim any responsibility from you.
You might have led me on along the way (even if you claim otherwise), and i dunk, being well aware of the consequences.

As the anger subsides, I begin to miss you tremendously...my comrade, my confidant.
It became so natural to click on your name when I needed to bitch about the kind of stuff we used to share. 
Holding back was certainly much more painful than dealing it alone.
But you have my word, i will deal with this....alone.
As of now, I have no visibility/idea of how would things turn out between us. The ball is in your court. 
If this shall be the ultimate closure, I wish you all the best in your paths ahead. Meanwhile, i'll treasure the memories we created thus far. 
Hopefully one day, I can still shout out to you...BFF!

Horse or No Horse

So Ikea broke the record of 'Most Number of Meatballs cooked and sold in a day' with 250,000 meatballs. You really can't doubt its appeal amongst the people, worldwide i believe. 
If the ban is to continue, i truly believe the siutation of "heck the horse meat, give me back the balls!" will happen and horse meat, will become the new delicacy in the SG culinary scene. 

Honestly, what is wrong with eating horses? Since we have basically eaten the rest of their community in the farm. The Japanese have it sashimi style and it was a delightful French cuisine since 1800s. Well, not that i've tried before. 

In any case, i must make Ikea a pitstop at the next trip home. Throw in some chicken wings too please.

Survivor Surviving

The night i returned from the work trip in Brunei, i had a disturbing night of three consecutive nightmares. 

Monsters, can you believe it? Who on earth in this world still dream of monsters?

One of which was a enormous toad, frightening everyone on the street. 

I swear that i didn't watch Godzilla the night before. 

Gee...is this what i'm thinking?

LTT, who's darn good at interpreting dreams, hit the jackpot.

Indeed i'm pretty stressed by the situation happening and unknowingly affecting some people around me. 

As much as i try to keep the positive mindset, i can't deny that it has eaten into my soul. 

I need to find myself again....constantly. 

Well, all thanks to the label of "survivor". 

So here i am, watching the classic Something's Gotta Give, while sipping a glass of chardonnay in the candlelight. Oh man, Keanu Reeves is darn hot.

Till the next time

As much as i'm determined to keep my blog active, i'm honestly darn lazy to write these days.

In fact, after being burnt out at work, i'm just numbed with anything else. 

15 months into the posting, it was an adventure indeed. 

Sad to say, it wasn't quite positive. 

I didn't expect myself to be so affected by another human being.

I was trying to recall the previous down time and most likely would be the time when i was sick.

I must say, this is worse than that. 

It was so bad that i was hoping things will go wrong with my annual follow-up tests at the hospital last week. That will be the only valid excuse for my term to be shorten. 

I must have thinking so much that i actually dreamt about it last night.

Alright, it's a nightmare. I do not want it to happen. 

Apart from the misery with the human being, i really enjoyed working and living away from home.

Without much doubt, it will definitely not deterred me from seeking for another overseas working opportunity. 

The next time, with more experience. 

Till the next time...