Communication

com·mu·ni·ca·tion (kə-myōō'nĭ-kā'shən)
n.
The exchange of thoughts, messages, or information, as by speech, signals, writing, or behavior.

The keyword is exchange.
When information is transmitted one way, that is conveying, not communication.
The receiver has to be the sharer at some point of time.
Otherwise, exchanges cannot take place and communication will break down.
It could well be my own logic and i couldn't help but to feel annoyed when my airtime has been disregarded.
Shouldn't it be two-way? I thought.
Swinging away immediately simply reflected disinterest and it was rude. I thought.
Responding with a "sure thanks" after my feedback made me figured that i've just uttered rubbish.
After countless repetition of such scenario, i realised i've had enough.

I could only be more thankful of the BFFs i have.
With real communication established.

Don't Think. Just do.

It was a ridiculous day at work.
I thought i would be happy in view of the after-work activity.
In any case, i've always made it a point to start off each day with joy.
I've planned ahead for my day....breakfast at 11am, gym at 12.30pm, snack at 3pm so on and so forth.
However, it just took a phone call to turn my plan upside down.

Two months ago, i took over a portfolio from a colleague who was transferred out. Even before that, i knew i would hate it to the core and i've proven myself so right.
Despite of that, i tried, with all my might, to at least squeeze something good out of the dump. So that's about 5%?
With simple math, you would know how have i been doing for 95% of the time in this dump.
The phone call was from a colleague in another division, notifying me of a complaint they received with regards to this portfolio.
The complainer wasn't happy about the delay in response from the Board. If it was me, i wouldn't be too. Two years (!!!) fyi. Previously when i didn't receive a reply from HDB after eight months, i lodged a complain with the MP at a meet-the-resident session. Hmm now i know how would the HDB officer have felt then.
Anyway, now that i think back, i could have regarded the call like one of the 987 complaints i've gotten and chucked it aside. The number of complaints we receive in a day can be so irritating that my predecessor would simply hang up her phone. Of course it wasn't permissible.
I think i was too disturbed and it had went beyond my patience, so i decided to put a stop to the entire era of complaints.
Well, it all started from the root of the problem which was the backlog worth two years. Sigh, i know...sometimes i don't blame people for saying gahmen is forever slow.
Therefore, in order to stop people from complaining, we have to give them what they want.
After i've escalated the issue to LL, i got down to track the progress of my temp staff and drilled him like never before, down to specific instructions.
At last, i couldn't stand his slow-mo that i had to get my hands dirty i.e. to clear the dump.
In the end, i missed my gym regime and had lunch only at 4.30pm.
But i was determined and i managed to escape from work at 6.50pm as i've got a ktv date with Jac. I knew i would be uber bitter and turned the office upside down if i had to miss my ktv date because of the stupid dump.

Throughout the day, i was highly frustrated and felt uber unjustified.
For the fact that i had to clear the dump which others left behind. A utterly irresponsible and unethical act, i thought.
Jer asked if i have a choice to drop this entirely, i realised i don't. Sigh.
So no matter how i feel, work still has to be done. Unfortunately, by me.
I realised in order for me to move on, i had to change my mindset and stop looking back and keep harping on the unfair treatment.
But i also realised it's impossible coz it seriously has nothing positive to think about.

Last resort...Don't think. Just do!
咬紧牙根，勇往直前!!!!

痛

我累了。

一切都变得无所谓。

再也没有多余的精力去理会。

如果太阳能睡久一点该有多好。睡个48小时吧。

那我也能把脚步放慢。

咳。。。算了，还是24小时好了。

也不想让痛苦拖太久。

几时才能放过我？

T.I.R.E.D

Church camp was fabulous.
I told someone, it could be one of the best church camps for me. For once, i was hoping that it could last longer.
However, it was the most tiring of all.
Unfortunately, the tiredness persisted even till now.

It was almost 9pm when i left the Tourism Court.
Very dark outside. So dark that i could hardly recognize the person less than 200 metres away.
I dragged my worn out body to the train station, recalling what went on earlier in the day.
But i realized it would only make me even more draining. So i continued walking, with an empty mind.
I wonder what's the situation now. Or why has it transformed into what it is today? I didn't remember my life in Tourism Court can be this miserable. Not even when i had a difficult boss.
The misery is unexplainable.
Why, why like that?

When i thought i lost my quick fix of comfort at work, i'm glad that i wasn't left alone.
Who says that physical presence is crucial in a relationship? (Note: definition of relationship - connection between people)
It's just heartwarming to have a companion when i have to stay back at work.
Even if it's virtual.
Even if he is always 1 hour ahead of me.
But i know he is there.
That is why i love Jer so much. =)

我真的受伤了

Living in Grace is to love first, judge later - Persi had to remind me today.
I didn't know it was so difficult, til i have to do it literally.
It's exceptionally tough when the person has failed you first.
Yet you have to look beyond/away from that, and to pour out your greatest love to the person.

My heart wrung when the truth was finally uncovered.
Tears fell uncontrollably.
Anger.
Disappointment.
Foolishness.
Betrayal.
I couldn't believe my eyes when i saw the words appearing line by line on my laptop screen.
The trust that was built over the years came crashing down instantly.
It was painful.
I could have dumped everything and wilfully do the "Look, you failed me first and now you are expecting my help? Get lost!" thingy.
I didn't, as i know it would only make me feel worse if i do.
At least not for a person who is so close to my heart.
And perhaps that is also the reason that my heart is so painful.
My head is telling me that the current issue is more important, my emotions can be dealt with later.
But it's so much harder than i thought.

The price of being the receiver of God's grace.

Tears of Pressure

Service today was....demoralising.
Last minute changes, serious communication breakdown, technical fault, managing Indian Chiefs etc etc.
Things that could go wrong, went wrong. At the same time.
The worst had to happen on my second run.
I couldn't believe that i was so caught-up in the media control room that i totally forgot to cue for the opening of the doors for the congregation. Before i could knew it, the worship had already started.
Thank God that Kaf was around to help. I wouldn't want to imagine if i was totally left alone.

In the midst of the chaos, i fell into a deep dilemmatic situation when i was figuring out the norms about doing things.
"Do i take intructions from him?" "Do they usually take instructions from him?" "Why is it done this way?" "Is this the usual way that should be done?"
I was torn between the "norm" and the "logic" of procedures. It happens when you work for the government for too long. =p
I was trying to explore the weight of my authority but at the same time, avoiding the possibilities of burning bridges with people.
Finally the confusion was sorted out and the details were finalised in the nick of time and we were pretty confident that things should be fine, it had to turn out otherwise.
Just because of an unanticipated technical failure, all of us with the so-called human intellectual were deafeated totally. What a mockery!
Till now, i couldn't forget the disarray in the control room when the video turned out soundless and colourless. At that moment, i felt that i've let the congregration down.

The incident didn't take effect on me immediately but after the feedback session after service, i eventually broke down.
It was strange as i wasn't feeling lousy about myself nor was i mad with people. We had somehow concluded that the hiccup was purely a techinical fault.
But i just couldn't control my tears.
THEN i realised why.
It reckoned it could be the pressure that was accumulated over the string of events and which, i've unknowingly been suppressing. It reached a point of explosion.
I was shocked by my reaction, seriously. I thought i was stronger than that.
However, i managed to come to terms with it and rationalise the situation.
When you are sad, you cry; but crying doesn't mean that you are sad. It's an expression of an emotion which might be due to certain psychological changes. That explains why there are "tears of joy" and "tears of relief".
And of course my psychological changes took place as a result of all that had happened earlier!
Wow, i've learned another thing about myself! =)
In any case, i learned that whatever that had happened today was pretty rare and i was so fortunate to witness and experience it.
Oh well, at least i can console myself that i'm better prepped for the path ahead.

I've been crying quite a bit lately i realised.
See dog dying on tv, i cry.
See husband leaving wife on tv, i also cry.

What's wrong with me?
Sigh.

Mind My Own Business

bus·y·bod·y (bĭz'ē-bŏd'ē)
n. pl. bus·y·bod·ies
A person who meddles or pries into the affairs of others.

I think i fell into the category of the above noun lately.
Indeed i've been meddling too much into the affairs of others.
Indeed i've been assuming too much about others and worse, doing the things which i thought will ease them.
Indeed i should not have assumed so much because at the end of the day, they didn't really need my help.
Indeed i felt unappreciated when people didn't even consider the inconvenience i was put through for doing the things which i thought will ease them.
Indeed i'd assumed too much.

FINE!

A little Sunshine in the Storm

The week came and left and i couldn't be less thankful for that.
I had the toughest time at work, physically and emotionally, more for the latter.
The emotions involved would be disappointment, hurt, discouragement, unjust and the list continues along the line.
There were moments when i could feel my heart sinking literally, as well as moments when i almost could scream aloud in my cube.
As much as i didn't wish for the outcome to be the way it is, i have to repeatedly remind myself that i have no control in any aspects at all.
I could only commit to God and only His intervention can turn things round.
Meanwhile, i would rely on His strength and grace to brace through the season.

Putting work aside, the week wasn't too bad after all.
After weeks of discussions, plotting, lying (!!!), photographing and late nights, The Proposal finally happened and it was a heartwarming success.
And with that, the faithful dating couple of fourteen years will be exchanging their vows soon.
Come to think of it, i was fortunate to witness their journey, ten out of the fourteen years.
No wonder i couldn't hold back my tears when the Proposer mentioned about "going through ups and downs". I couldn't relate to it any lesser.
It was amazing on how God has worked in their lives, bringing them to where they are today.
The work is not going to end here for sure and i'm excited to see the new path laid ahead of them. =)

Just when Jer came to my mind last Saturday and i was kinda missing him, he left a miss call on my mobile the following day.
While waiting for him to call back (i is cheapo) and getting busy with The Proposal, i didn't realised that he was up in the air travelling miles over the ocean.
He finally returned the call at 10ish in the evening and i almost choked when i saw "Jer Singapore" appearing on my mobile screen and later let out a big HUH upon hearing that he was at Terminal One. Yes...the T1 at Changi!
It definitely caught me by surprise. A pleasant one of course. =)
It turned out that he had to come home for his visa processing and it was only decided three days ago.
We arranged to meet on Tuesday evening at Plaza Sing for a comforting Chinese dinner at Crystal Jade.
After dinner, we adjourned to TCC for coffee and he was reiterating his experience at the ICA when he was renewing his identity card.
I shan't elaborate on the details but the highlight came when he dished out two pink cards from his wallet. I almost fell off my chair.
I didn't expect myself to see the reality version of Benjamin Buttons.
I was utterly amazed on how he made himself look thirty years older at the age of 12.
I had to be frank to him. I thought he looked like a mechanic in a garage.
But in his latest photo, he turned into a suave university professor. Gosh...what happened man.
To protect the dignity of my friend, i shall seek his permission before i post the picture. I hope he agrees. =p
We tried to drag the time a little by taking a train home instead of a cab, but we ended up continuing our conversation at the playground beneath my flat.
Obviously we were trying to make up for the time we couldn't be with each other. Updating on our lives, our perspective of life and making sure we are both living well.
It's strange that even when we are apart most of the time, meeting not more than thrice a year, there wasn't a tad sense of awkwardness with each other. We didn't change much after all. Even if we did, it was for the better.
At 1am, i reckoned that i gotta get back before i had to call in sick the next day.
I bade farewell to Jer reluctantly at my lift lobby and i guess the next time we meet, it'll be a great day! =)It was a chilly night but the warmth of a dear friend was my instant comfort. =)

All about Life

With the appointment of our new CE, the Board just had its major restructuring after the last one six year ago.
In a re-org, people will bound to be affected, whether positively or otherwise.
Most of the time, otherwise conquers the bigger fraction.
As much as i believe that my department is a 'safe' one, we didn't escape the consequence of the re-org.
The conclusion is that one of us is sacrificed.
Thankfully, not a retrenchment, but a mandatory transfer to another division.
F was the unfortunate one and i almost had the same fate as her as my name was mentioned too.
When LL broke the news to me reluctantly, i was pretty worked up but i managed to press it down.
I was more frustrated and disappointed with the decisions of the management than feeling relieved that i wasn't the one being transferred.
The whole thing was pure stupidity and uncompassionate.
Well, i shan't bore you with the details. Not worth my effort too.
As i was venting my frustration to Bengz, he had to remind me not less than six times that at the minimum, i'm blessed with a paycheck every month so that my standard of living need not be compromised.
Sounds bimbotic and i wouldn't deny a bit. =p
Therefore, i made it a point to give thanks every morning and it definitely make my day a lil better.
In any case, i decided not to be bothered by my job after working hours.
Life is not just about work alright!
I guess it'll just be a bill-paying-tool, at least for now. Before i find my passion and inspiration again.

***

Received a surprise call from Korea on Valentine's Day!
How not to love Jer??? =)
In Korea, the culture is for girls to give gifts and guys are the recipients.
He thought he would have the priviledge too, with a Korean girlfriend and living in Korea.
Unfortunately, she overruled the idea with the justification that her boyfriend is "international".
Hahaha...try harder, Jer.
Anyway, Jer really made my day with that distant Valentine's wishes and he hopes that he can save a call next year.
MmmMmmm........SO! I was saying......
This pic was taken during Jer's homecoming this CNY and that's my new Korean friend. =)
She's such a sweet girl. I like her. =)
Uber looking forward to their wedding.

***

Didn't quite catch the serial when it was showing on Channel U. Not even its repeat telecast.
But the couple of times when i managed to watch, i loved it!
Besides the interesting surgeries for the purpose of beautifying oneself, 《一切完美》 portrays the deep being of human nature and behaviour.
It talks about loving ourselves, forgiveness and of course the reality of the world.
Instead of the usual fairy-tale kind of story lines, i like the fact that it slaps people with the truth and acts as a wake-up call.
I often ended up in tears at the end of each episode. Sounds dumb, i know.
I'm trying to complete part 1 online, while getting ready to welcome part 2 of the series.

Did i mention that i was completely swooned by the charm of Thomas Ong?
Gosh...he has the face that i like! *hurhur*

Singapore Budget 2009

It was the day when most Singaporeans are waiting for - the announcement that determines how Singaporeans are going to spend in the year 2009.
Before today, there were news about tapping into the national reserves and polls were even put up to seek the public's view on this decision.
I must say that the comments of some individuals were really skeptical and i almost joined in the debate out of impulse. Later thought it was quite nonsensical.

You should have heard it by now about the S$20.5 billion Resilience Package with the bulk that went towards preserving jobs, ensuring people are still earning an income.
As one without financial background and absolutely zero forecasting ability, i was totally convinced and supportive of this move.
Knowing that the country is undergoing the worst ever economic crisis since independence, i couldn't think of a better plan to keep the country and its people going.
Setting up the Jobs Credit scheme to give employers a 12% cash grant on the first $2500 earned by each employee on the CPF payroll, was really something that impressed me.
This equates to giving money to your employer so that they can (continue to) pay you and keep you employed.
It was stated in the speech that the government did consider lowering the employer CPF contribution rate which was executed some years back.
For a person who empties her CPF every month for her housing loan, i'll be the first to be hit if it was materialized. It would meant that i might have to top up with cash instead.
I give thanks for that.
Not forgetting the increment of the CPF grant from $30k to $40k for first-time home owners. It'll be a good year to get married! =)
In addition with the many other schemes that were put in place to help in the labour force.

With the massive amount of money pumped in, i'm glad to be under the government who has its people at heart.
You may think that the doubling of the GST credits and the 20% rebate on your income tax is negligible and they serve minimal help to your personal needs.
Then how much is considered a big help?
How about receiving monthly pension and 100% waiver of income tax and be a loafer for the rest of your life?
Consider a migration then.

Well, the fact is, nobody would want to be in this difficult time if they have a choice.
But since we are in it, we have to brace ourselves through the crisis, putting aside our self-centredness and viewing things holistically.
Truthfully speaking, we are considered very blessed to be living in this country. So blessed that we could be even be over-pampered.
Amplifying our rights when the government doesn't give and complaining when we weren't given enough.
Sounds familiar huh.

Heard of the spirit of CONTENTMENT?

Be thankful.

Sawadeeka! Chan chi Bonny ka!

Bonny has returned.

The mission trip was great.
I embarked on the trip with much anticipation and there wasn't a bit of disappointment.
The Thais were an adorable bunch of people and language did not become a barrier for connection.
I could almost remember everyone whom i've met and their faces. Alright maybe not all their names. =p
I wished i could intercede and pray for every souls i met if i didn't limit myself by my earthly nature. Ironic.
Seeing them worshipping God in the ground of Buddhism was awesome.
Prayers in Thai sounded so pleasing to the ears.
I prayed in English and she prayed in Thai. With the presence of the Holy Spirit, i seemed to understand every word that she prayed. Heartwarming.
It was at the evangelistic event in the village that made me realised that we don't need impressive drama, electrifying sound system or deep messages for God to move the hearts of people.
They had none of those but people still flocked in. Just because they want to experience the love of God.
There were moments when i was moved to tears.
I was pleading and yelling silently that God save the villagers.

For the first time, God opened my heart to the children.
Knowing Bonny, kids are out of reach.
But God wanted me to teach the kids to sing and dance.
It didn't sink into me until minutes before i took over the microphone.
I remembered telling Judy "do you know this is my first time handling kids?".
It was meant to be "do you know i dislike kids?".
You ought to be proud of me. Really.

However when the mission trip was supposed to end, an unforeseen circumstance occurred.
The Suvarnabhumi Bangkok Airport was shut down on 26 Nov due to the invasion of the protesters from the opposition party.
All flights entering and exiting Bangkok were cancelled and the airport instantly ceased operation.
The mission trippers couldn't return and had to make alternate plans to go home.
After 24hours of uncertainty, they managed to book a flight out on 1 Dec to Kuala Lumpur then transit on a shuttle back to Singapore.

On my side, Persi and i had to make a quick decision, of whether or not to cancel my Bangkok trip.
When we've finally decided to cancel, we couldn't get the same flight back to Singapore, together with the rest of the mission trippers.
I remembered screaming at the Air Asia staff over the phone the night when i lost my poise totally.
It was strange. I knew that i would be safe but i felt so trapped for that moment. It was a sensation of imprisonment i would describe.
I didn't cry. I was too traumatised to cry.
After a hot shower, i prayed and regained my rationality before i confirmed the next available flight out from Chiang Mai to Kuala Lumpur on 4 Dec, which was exactly a week away.

For the subsequent days, it wasn't a bed of roses.
The temperature plunged suddenly and i got a serious gastric flu.
I tried to be happy but it was just difficult.
But it would have been worse if Gracie and Persi weren't around.

In any case, i'm very glad that i made it home last Thursday and my tear gland finally burst at the arrival gate when i saw my awaiting friends.

I was known to be a Singapore-lover.
But after the ordeal, i couldn't give thanks any less for being a Singaporean.

This is my country. This is my flag.

Mind my Business

I think i have a problem.

A problem of considering too much.

The moment my considerations don't get appreciated, i feel like shite.

Why am i expecting an appreciation when in the first place i'm not even expected to consider?

At the end of the day, i'm just a busybody.

Bringing misery upon myself.

Shall mind my own business...

Ms Emo

Ms Emo loves to visit especially on days when Bonny is ill.
Perhaps it was due to the hectic weekend with two consecutive nuptial dinners plus some emotional burden, and also the franticness at work and elsewhere which started weeks ago, my body finally gave way.
I woke up feeling the dryness and soreness in my throat and sneezes started on my journey to office.
By the time i arrived, i could only greet LL with a hoarse "good morning".

Pretty bogged down with quite some stuff which are happening concurrently.
Tonnes of coordination, planning and have to be on the ball at most time.
To make it worse, work isn't a bed of roses at all and i reacted very much to some irky people who came in my way.
For one of the very rare times, i've to admit that work is getting a toil on me.
Many times, it's a battle of professionalism and explosion. Tough.

Just today, the moment i opened my mail box, i was irritated by a totally unreasonable request again (x10).
Again, a deep breath.
I flung my head backwards and tried to calm myself down.
But it didn't stop the tears from flowing.
I took another deep breath and went back to work.

God knows when to send the right people when i'm in need.
Just when i needed comfort and be transparent about my emotions, Bengz made himself available to have lunch with me.
I'm really thankful for that.
I was rather sick but it was nice talking to someone who listens and understands the context.
Someone whom i don't have to explain much into details.

However, right after lunch when i got back to that tiny cube of mine, Ms Emo came back again.
And when Jer started a msn conversation with a "What happened?", i started crying like a baby.
All i wanted to do was to whine and complain to him. Only he could endure this from me.

Ms Emo really hit me hard today.
But when rationality set in at the later part of the day, it came to my senses that it wasn't the case that i couldn't manage or deal with the situations and issues on hand nor i didn't have the abilities.
The main problem was that they gushed right at me all at the same time.
And the moment of overwhelming made me thought that i couldn't manage.
Apparently, all i have to do is to dissect them and handle them case by case.
One thing at a time. Jer reminded me once again.
So i felt better when i left the office.

But still, i really wish for a good break to rest my drained soul and body.
And again, God sends the right people when i'm in need!
Just this evening, i was offered a complimentary stay at a tranquil place over a weekend!
I'm so looking forward to it!

God is so good! =)

Break or Break

Just return from my weekly swim from SPE.
As a result of the rebonded hair, i stopped for two weeks and the impact seemed to be great.
Hel said that i forgot my techniques.
Gosh...it's time to buck up.
My aim is to able to swim decently by end of the year.

After my talk with LL that evening, things had improved quite a bit the following day.
She started by offering us tidbits at our work stations, which was a breakthrough for the past two weeks.
By Monday, she was 80% recovered and now, she totally regained her chatty self. Great.
Albeit that work didn't get better, at least the team is now taking it in stride. Well, at least for me.
Till now i still couldn't fathom why must urgent jobs gush in at the same time.
To make matters worst, the existence of some loathsome people, who like playing politics, added to my annoyance too.
Mr T was challenged once again and my working neighbour commented that loud breathings got more frequent.
I think i am stressed by work, which i never thought it would happen to me.

Have been experiencing sharp pains around my left chest lately and the paracetamols i took were countless.
Bengz suggested that i go for a full body checkup.
I think i need a break instead.

Quite badly.

Is that all?

1. Uncertain on the result of the ultrasounds taken last Wed. Possibility of a relapse. Worrying.

2. Results of my final exam will be released soon and i'm totally not confident at all. What if i fail badly? What if i have to retake? Uncertainty...worrying.

3. I think Mummy is at her menopausal stage and being her next of kin, i was inevitably the victim of all her mood swings. Hurtful words as a result of her insecurity, i've to bear them all.

4. Received a complain against me at work yesterday. I was too tired to defend myself so i took all upon myself. Still waiting for the punishment.

5. Caught a flu virus and was half-conscious the whole of today. It was hard trying to keep myself awake while staring at the tiny numbers.

Is that all?
Since i'm already at my rock-bottom, it doesn't make a difference to have the list added.
What could go wrong, went wrong.
I couldn't deal with the rejections and lost my direction of life all of a sudden.
I didn't know where to head next.
How i wish things will past at a blink and if only i could shut my eyes for this moment.

Psalm 25:4-5

Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.

X怒哀X

怒

开始是为当今年轻人的轻佻而感到愤怒。
兼职工做不到两个星期就请辞，就因为无法遵守诺言。
出卖了我当初对她的信任。
然后更因为一些人的愚蠢举动，令我哑口无言。
到傍晚时就开始觉得胸口发闷，接近火山爆发的程度。

哀

听着收音机播着的《新不了情》不禁流下眼泪。
不知曾几何时，好久不见的悲观又悄悄地钻进我的心。
想找个伴陪陪，放松紧绷的情绪，但全世界仿佛唯独我最空闲。
为了不想让妈知道，只好独自去看场电影。
结果让《12莲花》把我弄得更糟。

回家的路程上，终于忍不住飚泪。
边飚边祷告，请求神赐给我勇气与力量。

等着喜与乐的归来。

God's Way

Wonder if there are times where you don't seem to know the real you.
I have been pondering on it for the longest time, still clueless.
What kind of person am i exactly? Am i really living the way God wants me to?
How can i ascertain God's way and not be disillusioned by men's way?
The ascertaining process is tedious for sure.

Often i tell myself to accept the way people are and love him/her for who he/she is.
Naively, i thought they will do likewise to me.
Unfortunately, it isn't the case.
I have to abide to the set of guidelines set for me and in the event of a deviation, i'm out.
Nobody wants to be out. Face it!
However, it is not long before i found myself having to live by men's standard and expectations in order to earn their approval.
Even when i knew i may not be necessary wrong, i have to respond in the most 'acceptable' way.
I hate it but couldn't help it.
Failing to which will be determined as rebellious or problematic.
I seriously couldn't stand such adjectives being pronounced on me.

In view of this, i've learned to be ultra careful with every move i make, every word i say, every action i do.
However, it can never be a perfect success. Bonny is still Bonny.
At times, when i put down my guard, i was attacked again.
Ended up wounded, feeling misjudged.
And yet a humble response is expected otherwise will be deemed to be unteachable or immature.

When can i know the response that God wants from me?
When can i genuinely live in God's way and not men's way?

I'm careful about this, seriously.
Walking close to Him is crucial.
It enables me to get familiarized with His voice which determines how and when i should act.
But as i said, it's tedious and i hope to last the race forever.

It's WORK again. What's new?

My home pc gave up on itself some time ago and thus i could only blog over the weekends when i bring my lappy home from office.
I was trying to slack and blog in office but it seemed to be near impossible.
My work had been loaded in a very subtle way, to the point i didn't realise i was bleeding when i was shot by the arrows.
Now i know that the promotion didn't come free of charge.

With the exponential increment of work, i went into uber foul mood during mid-week.
One of the causes was definitely the new temp staff who started this week.
She made herself a legend on her first day of work with her kawaii Japanese attire and subsequently proved her unsuitability for the position with her atrocious attitude.
I just cannot tolerate people with bad manners or attitude, especially in the corporate world where professionalism is top crucial.
Dealing with people like her was for sure a test of my patience and tolerance.
Thankfully, i have a rational boss who was also observant in the midst of her busyness.
Without waiting for me to voice, she decided to not let my suffering prolong.
She terminated her employment three days later.

Other contributors to my foul-mood came from various aspects and i couldn't put a finger to any now.
They came in a wave which caught me off-guard.
I felt real bad when Bengz had to bear the crap from my frustration and yet didn't stop him from asking me for breakfast.
He really didn't have to and i appreciated his kindness.
It's such people that adds warm to the chilly office.

So what's lying ahead next week?
It's getting more interesting.

No Food

Since i've got some time before my appointment at 8pm later at Forum, i shall rant a bit.

SOMEBODY made things very difficult for me today as a result of her preference of micro-management.
She made a fuss out of a problem which existed N years ago and her only way of resolution was for me to swallow my humble pie.
FINE! I 忍!

*****

I was coughing so badly today that i felt like digging out my throat and scald it with boiling water to stop the irritation.
And at every intermission of the coughs, i thought i was about to faint.

*****

Perhaps the fainting spell was as a result of hunger too.
I seriously couldn't recall that i gorged last weekend when i saw a record-breaking increase in my weight.
I couldn't believe it and neither do i want to.
Feeling terribly upset and guilty, i decided to force myself through a strict(er) diet, (trying to) survive on fruits and vegetables.

Bread for breakfast.
1 serving of carbs (but not rice) for lunch with an apple before the proper meal, so that i'll be at least a-quarter full.
Dinner will be yoghurt or fruits or vege.
I've also scheduled for intensive exercise if not for the sudden flu bug.
Nevermind, exercise will start next week. Meanwhile, start with food.
Initially, i aimed to down by 5kg before my annual meet-up with Dr Chia end next month.
But now, with the unforeseen situation, it has to be 7kg.
I just can't eat like a normal human. =(

Some time ago, i was watching this documentary about a girl who's obsessed with weight-losing, so serious that she suffered from bulimia.
She made a statement which left a deep impression in me...享受肌饿的感觉 (enjoying the sensation of hunger).
To be frank, i hope i could apply it to myself now.

=(

Academic Misery - Day 26 [HRM] - PERIOD!

The breakthrough came on the eve of the HRM paper.
I took the courage to select 3 topics - Psychological Contract, Recruitment & Selection and Women & Equal Opportunities, did a model essay each to my best ability basing on the examiner's report on the past year papers and MEMORIZED!
Even though that was the most discouraged method as per the advices of the Londoners, who cares when it worked for me.
Tried and tested for the Sociology paper last year which i didn't do well but at least it was a pass.
The only booboo that could possibly happen was that one or more of the topics that i've chosen didn't appear in the question paper.
That one can only pray.
Anyway, long story short, it was a SPOT ON!
I regurgitated 60% of the essays that i've memorized (coz i could only remember that much) and smoked my way through for the remaining 40%.
My sentence structures were messy and i bet the Londoners would be mocking at my broken English but, i didn't really care.
My only objective was to finish the paper and get it over as soon as possible.
I shut the answer booklet immediately after the final fullstop, 2 minutes before pens-down and didn't even attempt to flip it open a second time.
I mean how to check for careless mistakes in your essays? Nah...
And that's it!!!!
Bonny is a free bird beth!!!!
Woohoo!!!!

The past week was disastrous.
In summary...
Emotionally draining.
Energy depleting.
Spiritually challenging.
I am just glad that it didn't happen earlier and worse, longer.
In any case, it's over and i shall not lament anymore.
Ok now i'm left with 2 days before the annual church camp.
Plenty of things to do and i'm not even gonna think of the humongous workload that is awaiting for me at Tourism Court.
I wonder what's the sight of my desk now.
Oh well...

Oh Bonny has got her second birthday pressie!

Have you seen such a pretty bible before?
It came with a mini bible pouch too.
Cher went through great extend from selection to purchase, just to find a Bonny-like bible. Awwww...
I had always wanted a new bible but contemplated as my current one has markings for the various scriptures.
With the new one, it seems that i can't avoid memorizing the sequence anymore. Heh.
But i love my new bible.
Love you Cher! =)